What It's Like to Have Your Butt Handed to You By God

So.  Winter, right?  And waiting.  Good.  Now that you're all caught up on that, I'm going to get serious again.  I won't be serious all the time.  I promise.  I'm not good at serious all the time.

During this waiting period, I've learned a lot of things about a lot of things.  I've learned a lot of new things about myself and remembered some old things. While I don't think this entire time has been solely about my self-discovery and whatnot (because how narcissistic is that?), it definitely has played a key role in figuring some things out.

It would be a little ridiculous for me to try to come up with an exhaustive list of all the things I've learned and/or rediscovered these past seven months, so I'll just stick to the most relevant*.

So then.  Where to begin?  I'm going to make a mental spinner with all the choices and see which the arrow lands on first.  And the winner is...

My attitude.  I've been reminded that I really struggle with my attitude sometimes.  Oh gosh.  I'm bringing out the big guns early, eh?  I've always struggled with my attitude.  Always.  I'm convinced that every person has something they struggle with their entire life.  Some people have horrible tempers or an unrelenting need to be in the spotlight.  Others have fears and phobias that debilitate them.  And me?  I most definitely struggle with my attitude.

This is ridiculously apparent as I wait for God to answer prayer.  With one discouragement after another, I find that my heart has become angry and bitter toward God.  I've unknowingly followed in Job's footsteps in believing that God has sought to make an enemy of me (Job 13:24, 19:11, 33:10).  I have not, however, followed Job's example in not blaming God for things.  When things keep going wrong, I think "Of course things are going wrong.  As if it would be any different this time around."  Which, if you read that correctly, is as full of anger and bitterness as venom.  This is a bad thing.  This is something I am incredibly ashamed of.  Don't be like me.

While I have improved at dealing with and handling my attitude over the years, these past seven months have been a test of epic proportions.  I might have done alright at the beginning, but the past few weeks I've failed with a big fat F MINUS FROWNY FACE.  I want to change that.

I feel like it almost goes without saying that if I have attitude problems, I suck at renewing my mind.  But for your benefit, I'll say it anyway.  I suck at renewing my mind.  In this waiting period, I have focused on the negative.  I've focused on what God is NOT doing instead of what He IS doing (this probably is partially due to the fact that I have no clue what He is doing).  I've focused on what I DON'T have instead of what precious things I DO have.  Instead of thinking on the things of Heaven, I've obsessed over the problems of this world.  These are bad, bad things to do.  Don't be like me.

The weight of these realizations is almost unbearable today, which makes sense because they are fresh out of the box.  As in, I got my butt handed to me by God this morning.  That's always fun.  He's been building up to it for a few days at least, and this morning did not disappoint, I think.

I am overwhelmed by how wicked, selfish, and horrible my thoughts have been.  I am filled with sorrow that I allowed my heart to become so bitter.  I know I've been dumb.  Who in their right mind thinks they can challenge God and come out unscathed?  Idiots.  Me.  Me = idiot.  And I'm so, so sorry.  God and I have talked about it, and we're going to work on it. Together.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.  I was so foolish and ignorant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You.  Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand.  You guide me with Your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but You?  I desire You more than anything on Earth.  My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.  Those who desert Him will perish, for You destroy those who abandon You.  But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.
Psalm 73:21-28

*After having words pour forth from my fingertips, I've decided just one thing is relevant to this post.  Perhaps future posts will highlight other things, perhaps not.  I seem to not have much control over my writing, as it runs away with me.

Comments

Well I think your attitude is better than some, because you recognize it ;) That's a start, far ahead of some people! Hard stuff though, realizing that God is God and we spend so much time thinking little ol' us knows better what He should be doing for us. I've been thinking about that sort of thing too, as you can see on my blog with all the links I put up recently to videos and articles about how we are always saying "God, I wouldn't do it this way!" As if we know better than God. But yeah, don't we all say things like that! Big hugs!

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