Monday, 15 December 2008

ta DA!

well, i have done it. i have graduated from college! and not just any college, but Texas A&M University. it has been 2 days, and in those 2 days i have had plenty of time to think, to gather my thoughts, and to figure out how i feel about it all. to be completely honest, it's such a strange mix of feelings. i don't even know where to start!

i don't think it really hit me that i was GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE until i was lined up and ready to walk out into reed arena. even the night before, i wasn't nervous, anxious, or excited. i just...was. i got extremely nervous as i was about to walk across the stage - i was wearing heels and i am not known for my grace, so in my mind all i could see was disaster. but then he called my name, and all that nervousness just went away. it was so weird. i walked across the stage in front of THOUSANDS of people, DIDN'T fall, and walked straight into my "i am a grown-up for real now" life. after i got my degree, i was super bored and ended up moving 2 rows up to be with katie, so we could just goof off and talk :)

after it was over, i felt proud - proud of everything that i have accomplished in the past 3.5 years at A&M. and SO proud to be an Aggie! SO proud to be inducted into the association of former students! it really is true, what we say: "From the inside looking out you can't explain it, and from the outside looking in you can't understand it." it truly is one of the most amazing feelings ever. it is such an accomplishment! then during lunch and on the drive home, i just felt normal again. and i still do. maybe it still hasn't completely sunk in that i am a college graduate. or maybe it's like katie said: student teaching enabled me to slowly disconnect with A&M. i haven't lived in college station in 6 months, and i didn't have classes this past semester. no classes, papers, quizzes, midterms, or finals. i was administering them, not taking them! and i was in a different city. so i didn't feel like a college student anymore anyway, because i wasn't living a college student life anymore.

if i think hard about it, i realize how strange it is that i am graduated, and how incredible it is at the same time! then i get extremely curious about my future and what God has in store for me. but if i don't think about it, i don't feel any different.

we had my graduation party at my house sunday afternoon. 10 members of my family were able to come, so it was a small party, but it was really fun. seriously, my family laughs like our lives depend on it! i was really sad about something, though - i invited 10 people to come (10 not family people), and not one of them came. not one. none. nada. seriously?!

for now, life has not changed too much. still living at home. still working at my old dead-end job. still trying to learn humility about working at the old job. after all, i went to college so that i WOULDN'T have to work at a place like that. but for now, that is apparently where i am supposed to be anyway. still singing in choir (which, by the way...our Christmas services were this past weekend...over 14,000 people came! i sang in 2 of the most packed services...it's mind blowing to think that i helped lead worship for about 10,000 people in a matter of 3 hours! incredible!!). still tutoring.

this can either be really exciting, or really stressful...it's my choice. i pick exciting :)

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

news

well, after a month of calling the doctor's office over and over again trying to figure out what was going on (am i going to the cardiologist or not...???), we have finally made some progress! i now have an appointment on the 22 of this month....6 weeks after i was supposed to go in! wow. i mean, my doctor said she didn't think my condition was serious...but what if it was? is this how they would treat someone who had a serious health issue?

things are rather difficult for me at the moment. i still have no promising job for the future (or at all, really). i have had to go back to my old job...a job that i very much dislike, because i can't just not work. i have put in several applications and have heard nothing back. it's very discouraging. another discouraging thing...i can't seem to find my place. i don't know where i belong. where do i fit in? what am i going to do with my life? am i going to enjoy my job? where am i going to live? how much longer will i have to stay at a dead end job that i don't like?

tonight my family and i went out to dinner, and afterwards i felt like going to see a movie. you know how sometimes you just want to DO something? outside the house. for fun. that is how i felt, and a movie sounded good. well my mom and grandma were too tired to go see anything, and my brother just refused (he and i are polar opposites when it comes to movies. anything i want to see he absolutely hates). so when my family doesn't want to go do something, and i don't want to go alone, i am pretty much stuck. i have been living in this city for the past 4 months, and i still have no friends. no friends! what the heck?!?! all my friends live in a different city. or a different state. heck, i even have more friends in ENGLAND than in this city. how is this even possible?

it's odd...sometimes there are things we want so badly and the Lord just shuts the door. i don't know why. i don't understand. but i have to trust Him! maybe something better will come along. maybe He will reopen the door at a later point in time. but right now it seems that everywhere i turn, doors are being shut in my face. it's hard not to feel discouraged. it's hard not to feel defeated. it's hard to watch others enjoy the things that, for now, the Lord has said no to in my life.

please pray that i learn to have a better attitude about my job. after all, it is a paycheck! pray that i pay attention to what God is trying to tell me, and that i do His will. pray that i don't lose hope.

good news: I GRADUATE IN 4 DAYS! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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