Monday, 26 January 2009

my new job

well, i am sure of at least 2 people who are curious about this new turn of events in my here are all the details!:

in november, i was referred to a website (ccca) by anthony, a boss of mine at camp eagle. he knew i really wanted to get involved in camp ministry, and there were no open positions at eagle, so he was trying to help me out. it's a really cool can search for jobs, post jobs, and post your's just cool. anyway, you can search for jobs on the site using specific criteria. for example, you can specify if you want full time, part time, or summer; if you want to be paid, to work as a volunteer, or to raise support; what state(s) you would be willing to work in; and what kind of position you are seeking. well, i knew what i was looking for so i ran a pretty specific search and the only thing that came up was sky ranch in van, tx. no offense, but i just was not looking to move to east texas. and the position wasn'ts really what i wanted, either. so i didn't pursue that.

well, as time passed, i talked with friends about different camps and applied to a camp in fort collins because a friend of mine recommended it to me. however, the position was not full time (it was for the summer) and i was disappointed about that...

this brings us to about a month ago. one morning as i was reading my Bible, i really felt like i should search the ccca website again for the job i wanted. i finished reading my Bible and praying and just didn't act on it, but i thought about it all morning. finally that afternoon i opened up ron and got to work. i ran a very specific search, and i was almost positive that it would not yield anything i was really interested in. however, when the search results came up i was surprised to see a position for an outdoor education specialist open at an incredible camp in colorado. i clicked on the description, and it was everything i had been hoping for and more! another plus was that i know someone who has worked there and they absolutely loved it! i went to their site, downloaded the application, printed it, and began it that evening.

the next morning i got an email from jennifer, the director of the outdoor education program at the camp, asking me if i had any problems downloading the app and if i had any questions. that day i spent most of the day filling out the application. it was incredible! there were so many deep questions that really made me think hard about what i believe. i had to do some serious research in the Word, and it was just amazing! i was also forced to take a good look at myself (i am SO not good at answering questions about myself) and analyze a lot of things. at the end of the day, i scanned the application and emailed it to jennifer. the next day she emailed me to let me know that she had read my application and wanted to schedule a phone interview...and so we scheduled it for that friday morning...which happened to be my birthday! our interview lasted for more than 2 hours, but it went really well! we were both sick, so it was kinda funny!

after speaking with her, she said legally they could not go any further in the hiring process until all my reference forms were filled out and returned to her. that was good because it gave me some time to think and pray about it all. i really struggled with certain aspects, like it is a 17 hour drive (at best) from my house to camp and i have never lived that far from home before. it is difficult for me to leave my dog because he is neurotic and emotional, and i am afraid he will think i am abandoning him (even though my family takes great care of him when i am gone). the two things that i struggled with the most were that 1) i was having trouble getting health insurance and you have to be crazy to work at a camp without health insurance (at least if you are me...!)!! and 2) the job doesn't pay much at fact, all full time staff raise support (like missionaries do).

i really learned a lot about myself in the process. i was so torn between different emotions. excited because i finally found a job that suited me to a T. excited because i would get to live in a state that i have dreamed of living in for years (and i would be around MOUNTAINS and SNOW and OTHER OUTDOOR-LOVING, JESUS-LOVING PEOPLE!). terrified because it is so different from any big decision i have made before. anxious because i wasn't sure if i would even get the job. worried about money because i know nothing about raising support. and curious about what on earth God was going to do with this situation! i wish i could say that i had complete faith and trust in God and didn't worry about a thing...but that would be a lie. i worried a lot actually. and stressed a lot. i was an "o ye of little faith" person. ridiculous. i prayed a lot. i wanted so badly to take the job, but wasn't sure if i was supposed to or not (keeping in mind that i still hadn't even been offered the job yet, either). and i had a lot of time to think about everything, too. like how i felt lead during my time with the Lord to go back to that website and run a search months after the first time i had heard about it. how i ran a very specific search and found something exactly like what i feel called to. how everything just seemed to fall in to place. how God would take care of me financially and in every other way, and if this was truly the place He was leading me to, He would make it all happen.

all my references finally made it in about a week later, and last wednesday i got the call from jennifer saying, "i hope you would like a job because i would love to give you one!" i accepted the job that night, and from then on, things have been crazy!

i got health insurance (a miracle in itself), and my parents offered to pay for the insurance my first three months at camp as a donation...their form of sponsorship. so blessed! then i found out that my insurance doesn't cover me in that area, and i quickly crashed into a despairing attitude, thinking "i knew this was too good to be true, i can't believe i let myself get excited about this...". that attitude lasted for a night, and then in the morning my parents helped me figure out that i will still be covered, it's just that everything will be out of network and quite a bit more expensive. but i will still have insurance. i then felt stupid for despairing so quickly. i am constantly reminded of how human i am and how imperfect i desperately i need God!

so here i am, just 2 weeks away from flying out to start a new chapter of my life in colorado. i am exceedingly excited! i am still a bit nervous, but i have finally reached the point of "this is actually happening"! i realize that to a lot of people, my choice may seem...unwise...because i just graduated college and instead of starting a typical job in which i can earn a decent amount of money, i have chosen to work at a camp in colorado earning next to nothing and having to raise support. the thing is, though, that i am positive this is where God is calling me to be. i don't know for how long, and i don't know why. i just know that i must got where i am called, and this is it. raising support will be difficult for me. i don't know how to write a support letter. i don't know who all to send one to. i am not good at asking for things, especially money. it is like missions work, though, so by supporting me, people will be supporting ministry. it's just...hard to ask people for money. i guess that will be a lesson in humility...?? ;)

as far as what i will be doing, i will be living in the san juan mountains of colorado working as an outdoor education specialist at a wonderful Christian adventure camp. i will get to work with public, private, and homeschool kids, doing fun outdoor activities such as canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, etc., and teaching them lessons in all different subjects, all while meeting the colorado state education standards (very much like the TEKS). i have committed to being up there at least through may, and am praying that God would show me His will for me after that. i have been assured that if i would like to stay through november, i can, but i want to make sure this is God's will for me before i committ to that. so yes, i could use a lot of prayer right now.

and believe it or not, as detailed as that story was, that wasn't the whole of it...but near enough. God is so good!

Saturday, 17 January 2009

maybe the only time i will relate to one of cameron diaz's characters

1) go to this video
2) move the cursor until the time shows 5:15
3) watch for approximately 40 seconds

i feel like this a lot. no matter what happens, what people say to me...i have the hardest time crying. it takes something near catastrophic to make me cry. sometimes movies or songs or a book will move me to the point of tears, but nothing ever spills over. i have too much control. i can count on one hand the number of people who have truly seen me cry. i can't even remember the last time i really had a good cry. (literally, brain straining in an effort to figure this one out..!) sometimes i am really glad for this, because i don't get hurt or sad as easily as most people. and less people see my red, swollen crying face. but most of the time, it's downright frustrating. something must be wrong with me. even if i want to cry, i can't. it's like i have forgotten how. it makes me question whether or not i am really human sometimes. why is it that nothing touches me? why nothing really reaches me? it's like i'm numb. incapable of feeling sad. it's so odd.

do any of you know what i am talking about? is this an issue for anyone else?

Thursday, 15 January 2009

so i wait

it's hard for me to write blogs. not because i have nothing to say. not because nothing interesting happens in my life. it's because i don't think anyone reads them, and then i feel like it is a wasted effort. therefore, my blogging is sporadic however, after spending a grand total of less than 10 minutes combined on facebook and looking at other peoples' blogs, i decided i would make yet another feeble attempt to revive my blogging self.

just recently i decided it had been too long since my guitar and i had some quality time together. i brushed the dust off the case, tuned my guitar, and just started playing. i was going through the music i had, and one song stood out to me in particular. it's a great song, one that most of us may have heard and sang many a time...but probably have not given a lot of thought to. as i read through the lyrics, i felt like i had been struck with a lightning bolt:

"Hungy I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
So I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for"

The thing that hit me the hardest about the song is the line right before the chorus: "so i wait for You.." i have talked so much on this blog recently about how life is such a waiting game. how all i ever do is just wait for something to happen. for a light to be turned on, for an answer to come my way. and i have been frustrated. i have despaired. it's so hard not to! a lot of things are really hard right now. i just turned 23. i don't mind that, except i no longer have health insurance. if you know me at all, you know this is bad bad bad news. and just 2 days ago i learned that i had not been approved for the health insurance i had applied for, the health insurance i was counting on having so soon. my brother just signed an 8 year contract with the marines. i am still stuck in a city i hate. working a job i still have major attitude problems with. i have applied for 7 jobs since november, and so far, still don't have one. (there is a possibility of a job in my very near future, but i would only be getting $400 a month and would have to raise support on top of it...although it sounds like the job of my dreams, except for the low pay and i couldn't take my dog...). i have several big decisions to make soon. i don't know what on earth to do.

so when i read through the lyrics of that song, i was thunderstruck. how many times have i sang that song COMPLETELY IGNORING the part that says, "so i wait"??? the answer to everything i am worried about right now? wait on God. i can't find a job? wait on God. He will provide. i don't have health insurance? wait on the Lord. He will see me through it somehow. all my other issues? wait on my Savior. after all, there is nothing He can't save me from. and really, the whole song is so true. i feel so empty sometimes. so broken. so weary. but i don't always have to i wait.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

overdue new years blog!

well, it came and went like a flash of lightnin, eh? it is hard to believe that 2008 is over. 2009 just seems like such a weird year to me already. weird number...weird year.

this year started off somewhat similar to the way last year started off - i went to camp eagle for the second new years party/staff reunion. it was so great! i was surrounded by tons of people i love who made every second of every day immensely entertaining. new years eve (the day of), i went spelunking with a group of friends...we explored 2 caves on camp property. it was incredible! the first cave looked like a hole in the ground - you just dropped into the darkness, and you were in a large room underground! it was so great! the second cave had an entrance that looked like a crack in the ground - once you slid through, you had to crawl through the first room, and then army crawl across sharp rocks to get to the end of the insanely long tunnel! that cave was even more exciting than the first for several reasons: only 4 of us went in, which was good since a lot of people in such a flat space would be ridiculous! we got to see 5 little baby bats - SO STINKING CUTE! once we got to the end of the cave, we were going to crawl the remaining 10 feet to touch the far wall (as if to say, "ha! we did it!"), and the girl in front of me (sara) saw 3 pairs of yellow eyes glowing out at us from the darkness. sooooo....we crawled as fast as we could across the razor sharp rocks and through the insanely tight spaces to make it back out alive! can i just say i love exploring caves?

for the last hour or so of 2008, i played shuffle board, foosball, and watched some of my other friends play mario kart on the wii, pool, and air hockey. everyone was insanely excited whenit was finally 2009! still so hard to wrap my head around this one...

then on new years day, we started the year off with a bang! well, not really a bang, but there were lots of crashing noises for sure! you see, camp recently bought some mountain boards, and a handfull of us decided OH MY GOSH THAT SOUNDS SO FUN WE HAVE TO TRY IT! it was ridiculously fun, exhilirating, fast, and dangerous - all excellent things that make for a really fun day! pretty much everyone that tried it crashed and burned a few times, but it was excellent! mark fell and got massive strawberries all over his back, elbows, and then hurt his wrist. i fell several times, but not as badly as he did! it was not the wisest idea to participate because 1) i am accident and injury prone, and 2) i lose insurance in less than a week. but how could i say no?! luckily, when i fell, i only got pretty bruised. i have bruises up and down my legs, my elbows are shredded and bruised, i have a MASSIVE bruise on my left thigh that is all swollen, and i hurt my back on one of the falls. however, nothing serious enough to see a doctor about! (and as a precaution, i wore a hoodie and jeans, so my injuries were sustained THROUGH clothing, not due to a lack of) :) praise Jesus! He let me have my cake and eat it, too in this case ;) to close off the day, i went bouldering and then did the sherpa trek and belayed for the power pole. such an excellent start to the new year!

i didn't think it would be possible to top last year. i mean, catching a live fish with your bare hands is something to get pretty darn excited about! but this year's accomplishments and adventures are already more fun!

hilights from 2008:
1) turned 22 (my favorite number is 2, and there are 2 2's in this year!)
2) lived with one of my best friends
3) had probably one of my best semesters in college ever
4) went to Mexico on a mission trip - first time to Mexico!
5) took a class over the summer and ACED it!
6) moved away from college station forever
7) spent 2 weeks in colorado with my best friend helping her prepare for her wedding...and went to my first drive-in movie!
8) my best friend got married!
9) student teaching
10) graduated from college!

God is so good...i got to do things that i never thought i would do! He provided for me so that i never had to go without something i truly needed. He taught me so many lessons about so many things. He remains faithful in good and in bad times. He has a plan for me, and all i have to do is seek and follow His will. 2009 is filled with so many uncertainties for me. i truly cannot see anything in front of me - each step must be a step of faith. i have no clue where i will be working, where i will be living, how i will be serving. no clue about anything. and that is hard. it's also exciting. but mostly hard ;) however, i know i serve a God who has a plan for me, no matter how limited my sight is or how bad i am at trusting Him! so thankful!

also, here is a picture of my massive bruise on my leg. keep in mind that it is still swollen! woo!

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