On Being Angry With God

If I were to be completely, 100% honest with you, I would say that I have been angry at God.  That's not something that is difficult for me to admit to myself.  It is also not something that I find hard to admit to God, either.  Believe me, we've talked about it.  Or maybe I've just told Him so, but often enough that it feels like we've really hashed it out.

Slowly but ever so surely things have been getting more difficult to handle.  And then last Wednesday it all hit the fan.  Without going into details (because of its sensitive nature), something that we have dealt with this past year - something that would qualify as a family emergency - decided it was high time to pay us another visit.  And . I . was . pissed.

And the flood gates opened.

Again, God?  REALLY?  What the heck?!  What gives?

I told Him I couldn't believe He let this happen again.  After all the prayers for healing, for a miracle.  And not just my prayers either.

My rant continued.  I told Him how tired I am of not being able to find a job.  Of not being able to afford our own place to live.  Of seeing all our belongings gathering dust in my parents' garage, not knowing when we will get to sleep in our own bed and use our own dishes again.  Of not having friends or a social life in this city.

It's been a few days.  We've talked about it some more.  I think a big part of the problem is that God's reasons and God's timing are unknown to me.  I mean, from my point of view, I don't see how any of these things are good now or will be good ever.  And I want things to change and get better NOW.  I don't feel like sitting back and waiting anymore.

I don't feel angry with God today.  It's probably been my best day since Wednesday.  I still don't understand what He is doing or why He is doing it this way.  I know all the Sunday school answers, and I don't want people who have no clue how this feels to recite them to me.  I know that God has a perfect plan.  But sometimes it doesn't feel like it.  I know that God knows what He is doing and He's not going to mess up.  I know that He does hear my prayers.  But sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.  I know that He will work everything together for good.  And that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are higher than mine.  I know all of that.  But I would be lying if I didn't say that some days I want His timing to be my timing and that some days I want Him to run His plans by me first.

I've said some things to God in the past several days.  Things that, if I were God and someone said that to me, I would have gone all Madea on them like in this clip.  I'm not proud of it.  I know that if I were to dig down as deep as I could go to get to the root of the issue, I would find my heart to be the problem instead of God.  Just because He hasn't delivered in this situation doesn't mean He won't.  None of life's crap negates who He is.

Plus, I realized that in my moment of weakness, I reverted to a spoiled little three year old throwing a tantrum.  So today even though I don't know the hows or the whys of stuff, I'm not having such a hard time remembering the Who.  And I'm thankful for grace and mercy.

I still wish things were different.  I still wish there was healing instead of brokenness.  I still wish that I had a job and that Matt and I could afford to live on our own*.  And I don't think it's wrong to want those things.  But I know I need to have faith that eventually, God will provide.


*We are still so thankful and grateful for (and to) my parents for their kindness and generosity.  We really appreciate them opening up their home to us the way they have, and they have been nothing but wonderful and kind and supportive in the whole situation.  Us wanting to move out has nothing to do with them.