How I Am Like a Smoothie

I'm not going to lie. My life is a complete roller coaster right now, and it is one of the most unfun rides I have ever been on. I am not really at liberty to discuss what is going on here on my blog (but if you don't know what is going on and you really want to know, facebook me or something), but I AM at liberty to vomit my feelings into my blog.

I am not usually good at expressing any feelings other than anger and happiness. For some reason, I have always viewed sorrow as a weakness and a vulnerability. To reveal my weaknesses was to take a bigger risk than I was willing. But I'm getting better.

Now, I'm not going to go into a deep psychological and emotional evaluation of myself or anything. But I do think it is...interesting...how differently each person deals with trauma.

I don't really know what to feel right now. Or what I am feeling. Maybe it's because there really isn't just one thing. It's about a million things all at once, crashing my emotional capacity.

I'm mad.
I'm confused.
Baffled, really.
I'm in shock.
I'm grieving.
I'm numb.

I'm kind of like a great big smoothie of emotions. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, so let me explain. Each of those emotions can represent a fruit. Well, I feel like all of them have been thrown in a blender and mixed together (in a violent manner, mind you) so that you can no longer separate one from another.

I feel like no one knows what I need. And like no one understands what I am going through. I don't want to be alone but I don't really enjoy being around other people. I don't want everyone to be sad but I get annoyed with people for being so darn happy and carefree.

And sometimes I wish that Matt had a normal job. A job where he was done at 5 and could come hold me until things get better.

I have to believe that somewhere in all this, God has a purpose. And somewhere in all this, something good will come of it.

I'm not trying to complain, really. I just need an outlet. And right this moment, this is all I have.

Comments

Lauren said…
I don't know what you're going through, but I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And the smoothie comparison is actually a great metaphor.

Again, I'm sorry you're feeling how you are, and I can't say anything really that would make it better or right or somehow appropriate to what you're going through, so I will leave at that: I'm sorry for all that you are going through. You will be in my prayers. Really. Not in the fake way, but the real way.

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