oh my goodness
it has been so long since i last posted! forgive me for being so inconsistent! i read peoples' blogs all the time, but seldom update my own!
a large part of the reason i have not posted in so long is that i have been so busy! i was in colorado for 2 weeks for my best friend's wedding (which was probably the most fun wedding and reception EVER) and came back to begin student teaching. i am student teaching at a wonderful school here in sa, and i have a great mentor teacher. i am teaching regular and pre-ap math (6th grade). i will be honest, i am only 2 weeks in and it is quite a challenge for me. the teaching isn't the hard part - i am not bad at what i do. the problem is that i am not passionate about it. i hear all my friends from A&M who are also student teaching or doing the internship talking about how much they love what they do - they are reminded of why they chose education as their major, they have found their life's purpose, they love teaching, etc, etc.....and i just don't feel that way. i feel bad for not feeling that way. you would think (and probably hope) that if i was going to be an educator that i should be passionate and excited about it...and i'm just not. i don't hate it. i don't necessarily dislike it. i just don't LOVE it. honestly, it's just kinda...there. this really disturbs me.
another confession - i have not posted in a while because i am scared. i moved back to sa to do my student teaching. i am living at home and it's great. while i loved growing up here, i don't want to stay in sa after i graduate. anyway, i have been literally terrified of putting out the news that i was back in town. before i moved to college station, i had a friend (whom i later learned was no friend at all) with which things went horribly wrong...and this person still lives in sa. a lot of strange things have happened since things went wrong with this person, and i know what they are capable of and the lengths they might go to if they found out i was back. i was....am...afraid that this person might have found my blog and will locate me. i am scared to leave my house and go to certain areas of town for fear that someone i used to know will see me and notify this other person that i am in town (which has happened before). i know i shouldn't be living in fear. God says so. my parents say so. my pastor says so. but i am scared. however, i am determined not to let that fear govern my life anymore. the truth is, if i want to blog and let my friends know what is going on in my life, then i will do so, without leaving out details for fear that those details might connect me to san antonio. God will watch out for me. i will be honest though - i am still fearful. i just refuse to let it determine whether i go to the grocery store or write in my blog.
i think right now i am in a searching and seeking phase of life. i don't know what God has planned for my future. what job will i have? where will i live? will i get married? when will i know anything? why am i graduating college as an education major if it's not what i love? if it's not what i am passionate about? how the heck am i going to use my degree if i don't want to teach after i graduate? why am i not excited about teaching? why don't i love it?
i ask too many questions.
friends, i am struggling a bit at the moment with these things. gonna be honest. i'm feeling discouraged. i mean, it's not a suffocating or overwhelming struggle by any means (except possibly the fear issue), but i could use some prayer!
a large part of the reason i have not posted in so long is that i have been so busy! i was in colorado for 2 weeks for my best friend's wedding (which was probably the most fun wedding and reception EVER) and came back to begin student teaching. i am student teaching at a wonderful school here in sa, and i have a great mentor teacher. i am teaching regular and pre-ap math (6th grade). i will be honest, i am only 2 weeks in and it is quite a challenge for me. the teaching isn't the hard part - i am not bad at what i do. the problem is that i am not passionate about it. i hear all my friends from A&M who are also student teaching or doing the internship talking about how much they love what they do - they are reminded of why they chose education as their major, they have found their life's purpose, they love teaching, etc, etc.....and i just don't feel that way. i feel bad for not feeling that way. you would think (and probably hope) that if i was going to be an educator that i should be passionate and excited about it...and i'm just not. i don't hate it. i don't necessarily dislike it. i just don't LOVE it. honestly, it's just kinda...there. this really disturbs me.
another confession - i have not posted in a while because i am scared. i moved back to sa to do my student teaching. i am living at home and it's great. while i loved growing up here, i don't want to stay in sa after i graduate. anyway, i have been literally terrified of putting out the news that i was back in town. before i moved to college station, i had a friend (whom i later learned was no friend at all) with which things went horribly wrong...and this person still lives in sa. a lot of strange things have happened since things went wrong with this person, and i know what they are capable of and the lengths they might go to if they found out i was back. i was....am...afraid that this person might have found my blog and will locate me. i am scared to leave my house and go to certain areas of town for fear that someone i used to know will see me and notify this other person that i am in town (which has happened before). i know i shouldn't be living in fear. God says so. my parents say so. my pastor says so. but i am scared. however, i am determined not to let that fear govern my life anymore. the truth is, if i want to blog and let my friends know what is going on in my life, then i will do so, without leaving out details for fear that those details might connect me to san antonio. God will watch out for me. i will be honest though - i am still fearful. i just refuse to let it determine whether i go to the grocery store or write in my blog.
i think right now i am in a searching and seeking phase of life. i don't know what God has planned for my future. what job will i have? where will i live? will i get married? when will i know anything? why am i graduating college as an education major if it's not what i love? if it's not what i am passionate about? how the heck am i going to use my degree if i don't want to teach after i graduate? why am i not excited about teaching? why don't i love it?
i ask too many questions.
friends, i am struggling a bit at the moment with these things. gonna be honest. i'm feeling discouraged. i mean, it's not a suffocating or overwhelming struggle by any means (except possibly the fear issue), but i could use some prayer!
Comments
The truth is, I didn't redo my blog without it deleting everything. It DID delete everything, but I came prepared this time! I wrote down all the blogs I subscribe to, and anything else I would need. Then I chose a new layout from pyzam.com and re-entered everything by hand. It was a pain but my old background was too summery and I had looked at it for far too long. I'm enjoying the brown, though. What do you think? Is it too junior high? ;-)
I really liked this post, by the way. It is so beautiful to read honesty. I can sympathize with you because I know how you feel about not being passionate about teaching. I definitely have felt that way before. I was like that until this semester, to be honest. I love my class now and I love my mentor teacher because she's awesome. But sometimes I wonder if I would love it as much if circumstances were different. And to be honest, my heart is with my future family. I would love nothing more than to stay at home and be a mommy when kids come along. I guess that's something to discuss with my future husband (good grief, can I actually SAY that?! gasp!) when the time comes along. We've talked about it some, but it's so hard to tell what things are going to look like that far down the road.
All that goes to say, it's okay. Seriously, it's okay if you're not passionate about teaching. I used to be scared to admit that when I felt more apathetic about everything. God has given you special talents and desires and passions and will use them for His glory. You have a beautiful heart and personality and I am confident that God will use those things. The only thing I don't know is then hows, whens and whys. I am praying for you, though!
I miss you Lauren! I wish that you were close so we could have lunch and talk about life. I saw Ali on Saturday for the first time since we moved up to the Dallas area and we were talking about you and wondering how you were (we actually said that you hadn't written in your blog for a while haha). I'm so glad you posted! And I'm so happy that I will see you in December. Whoop, graduation! I should seriously arrange like a week or so before then where I can just live in College Station and see people. I hope we can catch up!!