changes
I found us in a photograph
Saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
most people have heard brandon heath's song, "i'm not who i was". sometimes i feel like i could have written that song because it describes my life to a tee.
tonight i watched parts of my highschool graduation (but NOT the message by the speaker...WAY too long for me!). i watched myself be terrified as i sang on stage to so many people. i watched as my entire class (all 26 of us - WHOOP for homeschool graduations!) fooled the audience and then exited the auditorium to the cotton-eyed joe. i watched the photo slideshows. i laughed. i cringed.
after i watched that dvd, i went to my closet and pulled out my box of photos. i have not looked at this box in quite a while, that is for sure! i saw so many pictures from so long ago! the most recent pictures in that box are 2 years old.
when i was watching my graduation and looking at my pictures, i just marveled at who i was and who i have become. some of the pictures were incredibly painful to look at, because they brought back either memories of good times that i miss terribly or memories that i wish i could erase.
there were the pictures from prom that reminded me of what a nightmare that was. in case you haven't heard the story, i had broken my finger about a month and a half before (it was a really serious break that actually required surgery to fix...go figure) and had on a BRIGHT GREEN CAST with my DARK RED dress. good thinking, self. i showed up alone. my friends had dates. they were busy dancing with their dates. no one asked me to dance. hardly anyone talked to me. the guys i was graduating with tried to convince one of their friends (also graduating with me) who had come without a date to ask me to dance, to which he vehemently refused. i think they were doing it as a joke - "hey, go ask the wierd girl with the bright green cast and dark red dress to dance. it could be funny!" ugh. to top off the evening, they recognized the seniors, but they forgot to mention one. can you guess who that senior was? most definitely me. the whole night was a disaster - i called my mom crying and left prom several hours early.
there were so many pictures of rachel and i as we grew up together. we did everything together. that girl is like a sister to me! as i looked through those photos of her and i, i couldn't help but smile, because her friendship is one of the greatest blessings in my life. even though she moved when we were 12, we are still as close as can be, and that is something only God can do. i honestly see her more as a sister than a friend.
there were photos of the first time i was at camp eagle - the second week of february 2001. how could i ever have known when i signed up for that retreat that God would lead me to a place that would change my life forever, a place that i would come to love more than just about any other place on earth, a place where i would make lifelong friends who showed me what it meant to be a true friend. and here i am 7 1/2 years later, still involved at camp eagle, and the people there still very much involved in my life. wow. God so knows what He is doing. and He so has a sense of humor!
there were photos of when i was a swimmer and was toned and tan. man oh man i miss those days.
there were photos of when i was struggling with anorexia. even though it wasn't a severe case, it was still a struggle for me for a while. i was so much smaller then...
there were photos of when i struggled with binge eating and was fat. ew.
there were photos of me when i didn't know who i was, and i was struggling just to be loved.
as i looked back on all these photos, i was lost in thought. up until this past week, i have tried to forget so many things that have happened to me when i was younger. i have tried to forget so many of the mistakes i made, people i knew, things i did, and things i didn't do. i have tried to forget the hell that was my life for so long i didn't even know it was hell. but in trying to forget everything negative, i was also forgetting about how GREAT, LOVING, MERCIFUL, and POWERFUL God is!
by forgetting my past, i was forgetting what He saved me from.
by forgetting my pain, i was forgetting how He healed me.
by trying to forget my mistakes, i was forgetting how much He has forgiven me.
by trying to forget it all, i was essentially trying to forget my testimony.
sure, there are some very difficult times in my past that i don't want to think about, and that i don't want to remember. but all the same, if i don't remember them, then i can't tell people about God's marvelous display of power in my life.
people who knew me in highschool or even before then can tell you that i am a new creation. i am a new person. the old has gone, and the new has come! God has transformed my life in a way that i never would have thought possible - oh how little faith i had! the person i used to be is dead, and i am so thankful. i know i have hope for my future because God is good (check out Jeremiah 29:11 - that's reassurance for ya!)!!!
i know i am not perfect now. i know i still make mistakes. i know i still fall short. i know i still struggle. sometimes i strongly dislike myself. but the Lord is faithful. i am so thankful that my salvation is not based on my works or my abilities - it is based solely on His loving sacrifice for me. WOW. just like there is NOTHING i can do to earn His love and my salvation, there is NOTHING i can do to lose it. DOUBLE WOW.
i like the song "marvelous light" by charlie hall. i remember the first time i heard that song. summer 2006. camp eagle. heck yes. i feel it also describes my life to a tee. i am running out of the darkness and shame of my past and the person i used to be, and i am running into the marvelous light of my wonderful Savior! i am running towards freedom, love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and joy! Praise Jesus!
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life
You are the way
Saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
most people have heard brandon heath's song, "i'm not who i was". sometimes i feel like i could have written that song because it describes my life to a tee.
tonight i watched parts of my highschool graduation (but NOT the message by the speaker...WAY too long for me!). i watched myself be terrified as i sang on stage to so many people. i watched as my entire class (all 26 of us - WHOOP for homeschool graduations!) fooled the audience and then exited the auditorium to the cotton-eyed joe. i watched the photo slideshows. i laughed. i cringed.
after i watched that dvd, i went to my closet and pulled out my box of photos. i have not looked at this box in quite a while, that is for sure! i saw so many pictures from so long ago! the most recent pictures in that box are 2 years old.
when i was watching my graduation and looking at my pictures, i just marveled at who i was and who i have become. some of the pictures were incredibly painful to look at, because they brought back either memories of good times that i miss terribly or memories that i wish i could erase.
there were the pictures from prom that reminded me of what a nightmare that was. in case you haven't heard the story, i had broken my finger about a month and a half before (it was a really serious break that actually required surgery to fix...go figure) and had on a BRIGHT GREEN CAST with my DARK RED dress. good thinking, self. i showed up alone. my friends had dates. they were busy dancing with their dates. no one asked me to dance. hardly anyone talked to me. the guys i was graduating with tried to convince one of their friends (also graduating with me) who had come without a date to ask me to dance, to which he vehemently refused. i think they were doing it as a joke - "hey, go ask the wierd girl with the bright green cast and dark red dress to dance. it could be funny!" ugh. to top off the evening, they recognized the seniors, but they forgot to mention one. can you guess who that senior was? most definitely me. the whole night was a disaster - i called my mom crying and left prom several hours early.
there were so many pictures of rachel and i as we grew up together. we did everything together. that girl is like a sister to me! as i looked through those photos of her and i, i couldn't help but smile, because her friendship is one of the greatest blessings in my life. even though she moved when we were 12, we are still as close as can be, and that is something only God can do. i honestly see her more as a sister than a friend.
there were photos of the first time i was at camp eagle - the second week of february 2001. how could i ever have known when i signed up for that retreat that God would lead me to a place that would change my life forever, a place that i would come to love more than just about any other place on earth, a place where i would make lifelong friends who showed me what it meant to be a true friend. and here i am 7 1/2 years later, still involved at camp eagle, and the people there still very much involved in my life. wow. God so knows what He is doing. and He so has a sense of humor!
there were photos of when i was a swimmer and was toned and tan. man oh man i miss those days.
there were photos of when i was struggling with anorexia. even though it wasn't a severe case, it was still a struggle for me for a while. i was so much smaller then...
there were photos of when i struggled with binge eating and was fat. ew.
there were photos of me when i didn't know who i was, and i was struggling just to be loved.
as i looked back on all these photos, i was lost in thought. up until this past week, i have tried to forget so many things that have happened to me when i was younger. i have tried to forget so many of the mistakes i made, people i knew, things i did, and things i didn't do. i have tried to forget the hell that was my life for so long i didn't even know it was hell. but in trying to forget everything negative, i was also forgetting about how GREAT, LOVING, MERCIFUL, and POWERFUL God is!
by forgetting my past, i was forgetting what He saved me from.
by forgetting my pain, i was forgetting how He healed me.
by trying to forget my mistakes, i was forgetting how much He has forgiven me.
by trying to forget it all, i was essentially trying to forget my testimony.
sure, there are some very difficult times in my past that i don't want to think about, and that i don't want to remember. but all the same, if i don't remember them, then i can't tell people about God's marvelous display of power in my life.
people who knew me in highschool or even before then can tell you that i am a new creation. i am a new person. the old has gone, and the new has come! God has transformed my life in a way that i never would have thought possible - oh how little faith i had! the person i used to be is dead, and i am so thankful. i know i have hope for my future because God is good (check out Jeremiah 29:11 - that's reassurance for ya!)!!!
i know i am not perfect now. i know i still make mistakes. i know i still fall short. i know i still struggle. sometimes i strongly dislike myself. but the Lord is faithful. i am so thankful that my salvation is not based on my works or my abilities - it is based solely on His loving sacrifice for me. WOW. just like there is NOTHING i can do to earn His love and my salvation, there is NOTHING i can do to lose it. DOUBLE WOW.
i like the song "marvelous light" by charlie hall. i remember the first time i heard that song. summer 2006. camp eagle. heck yes. i feel it also describes my life to a tee. i am running out of the darkness and shame of my past and the person i used to be, and i am running into the marvelous light of my wonderful Savior! i am running towards freedom, love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and joy! Praise Jesus!
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life
You are the way
Comments
I hope you are enjoying the summer. I have had so much fun over the past two weeks, and now things are going to slow down. I need a job. :-/
Change of subject, but I guess that blog labels are the cool thing to do now? Should I jump on that bandwagon?