Anxiety. Today, I would say it has been my closest companion. In fact, it won't leave me alone. I would really be fine without its contant nagging...
It's been a long time since I've written. As much as I enjoy writing, it doesn't seem to be high up on my priority list when I have a lot of other things going on. And right now, on July 2, I don't have a whole lot else going on. So I'm going to tell you a story.
After a lot of prayer, consideration, and conversation, Matt and I decided that it was time for me to leave the teaching job I had in search for one that met our needs a bit better. In a nutshell, I taught at a Lutheran school, but as a non-Lutheran I was ineligible for benefits or full-time status (I had one less class than the other teachers). This was an extremely difficult decision, involving a lot of crying on my part and absolutely none on Matt's [ ;) ]. After all, I loved my job. I loved my students, my coworkers, and my lab. But we both really felt that God was closing doors and leading us elsewhere.
I've said time and time again in the past month-ish that if God called me away from one job, He would surely provide another. And I believe it. We have prayed every night for months that God would open doors and that He would make a way. I felt confident that things would work out. After all, I was being obedient.
Fast forward a few weeks. To now. It's July. I've applied to ten different districts. I have heard back from zero. And today the panic set in. Okay, maybe not panic. But doubt. And worry.
I had plans of how I was going to be aggressive in my job search. I have a chart of all the schools I would be interested in teaching at, their principals, initial email contact date, follow-up email contact date, and in-person office visit dates (to be filled in). I was planning on purchasing some nice resume paper this morning and traveling to those schools this afternoon to drop off my resume. Before I set out, though, I thought it might be wise to check office hours since summer hours are different. And as I discovered that all school offices closed last week, my heart sank. They don't reopen until the end of the month.
So today I don't know what to think. I am a little freaked out. What if I don't get a teaching job? I love teaching. I don't want to do anything else. What if I get stuck having to work some job that I don't love? What if I get stuck having to work some job that I don't love and that doesn't pay any better than my last job? What if God doesn't provide a teaching job and I missed the whole point? What if I misunderstood/misinterpreted everything?
You see what I mean? Today I'm a bit of a train wreck. I think that fundamentally, deep down, I believe that God will provide. And maybe He allowed me to miss the "optimal resume drop-off window" so that if and when I get offered a job, I can't claim any victory or responsibility myself, because I didn't make it happen. But today the worry and the anxiety seem to be doing a bang-up job of shoving those things deep, deep down to where they are hard to reach.
I'm sure I'll go through plenty of ups and downs with my job search in the coming weeks. Hopefully, it ends on an "up".