honesty, honestly
honesty is something i value extremely highly.
i hate it when people are dishonest with me.
i get very hurt and angry when people lie to me.
lately i have just been learning that i am not as honest as i would like to think that i am. i try to be honest with God and with myself, but there is also a lot that i just don't mention, don't think about. one thing is that i don't share a whole lot about what i am going through with anyone. this is an attempt at doing that...this is much more difficult for me than most realize, so this post will be more...scattered (?) than usual..
something that has been made abundantly clear to me is that i function very differently from most people that i know. this can be a blessing, but most of the time it's easier to think of it as a curse. apparently i put up a very tough exterior, and i don't show a lot of emotion other than happiness, amusement, frustration, and anger. this has led people to believe i just don't ever feel sad and that nothing can really hurt me. sometimes i wish this was true, but it's really not. i just express things differently. i almost never cry, and most people will never know when i am sad or hurting. it's just how i function. i'm confused about it. it bothers me. it bothers others. it confuses others.
i am not strong.
ohhh it scares me to say that (and when i say scares, i really mean terrifies).
i think (if you haven't caught on by now, i think a LOT...my mind is always going) part of my tough exterior and part of my "i-can-do-it-myself" mentality is that i don't want others to know i am weak. if i am weak, then i am vulnerable. if people know i am vulnerable, they will take advantage of that. they will hurt me. to this, i say "no thanks". but the truth is that i am not strong, and to pretend that i am is just a lie. i am not used to needing people. i am not used to confiding in people. i am not used to seeking advice, or seeking help. i am used to doing it by myself. all the time. this is wrong.
i think God is trying to break me.
i think i am resisting.
i don't want to.
i don't know anything else though.
i think there are like 3 people who read this blog. so you 3 people, i ask you to pray for me.
through it all, i am convinced that God is good, and i know He is acting out of love for me. i know He will not do anything to harm me. i know He is great. i know He can handle all my problems and more. i know i need to let Him.
i hate it when people are dishonest with me.
i get very hurt and angry when people lie to me.
lately i have just been learning that i am not as honest as i would like to think that i am. i try to be honest with God and with myself, but there is also a lot that i just don't mention, don't think about. one thing is that i don't share a whole lot about what i am going through with anyone. this is an attempt at doing that...this is much more difficult for me than most realize, so this post will be more...scattered (?) than usual..
something that has been made abundantly clear to me is that i function very differently from most people that i know. this can be a blessing, but most of the time it's easier to think of it as a curse. apparently i put up a very tough exterior, and i don't show a lot of emotion other than happiness, amusement, frustration, and anger. this has led people to believe i just don't ever feel sad and that nothing can really hurt me. sometimes i wish this was true, but it's really not. i just express things differently. i almost never cry, and most people will never know when i am sad or hurting. it's just how i function. i'm confused about it. it bothers me. it bothers others. it confuses others.
i am not strong.
ohhh it scares me to say that (and when i say scares, i really mean terrifies).
i think (if you haven't caught on by now, i think a LOT...my mind is always going) part of my tough exterior and part of my "i-can-do-it-myself" mentality is that i don't want others to know i am weak. if i am weak, then i am vulnerable. if people know i am vulnerable, they will take advantage of that. they will hurt me. to this, i say "no thanks". but the truth is that i am not strong, and to pretend that i am is just a lie. i am not used to needing people. i am not used to confiding in people. i am not used to seeking advice, or seeking help. i am used to doing it by myself. all the time. this is wrong.
i think God is trying to break me.
i think i am resisting.
i don't want to.
i don't know anything else though.
i think there are like 3 people who read this blog. so you 3 people, i ask you to pray for me.
through it all, i am convinced that God is good, and i know He is acting out of love for me. i know He will not do anything to harm me. i know He is great. i know He can handle all my problems and more. i know i need to let Him.
Comments
it's extremely scary and that stinks as is awesome at the same time and only He can do that
i'm praying for ya ;)
I think as Christians, we sometimes feel that we have to put up this happy-go-lucky exterior and pretend that nothing is wrong. Doesn't it feel that way sometimes within the church? Over the past few years, God has taught me a lot about honesty as a Christian. I'm still learning.
I will be praying for you! I used to be tough, too. I still can be. I used to rarely ever cry, but I guess God broke through because I cry a lot more now! I know how hard it can be when God tries to show you something and it's uncomfortable. You're in my prayers, Lauren!