God speaks in strange ways...

it's not really a secret, i am a harry potter fan. i have the books, i have the movies. a while back i was really struggling with something and i have always been really independent, so as usual, i told no one. i seem to isolate myself in times of trouble, and it really does no good whatsoever, no matter what i think at the time! well, i was feeling especially alone one day, and i was watching the latest harry potter movie. there is a scene where harry and luna are in the forest talking, and she points out that his enemy, voldemort, probably wants him to feel alone because if he is by himself, he is not as much of a threat. i realized this is true in my life, as well...i think satan wants me to feel alone because alone i am much easier to attack and defeat. i realize accountability is so important in our lives, but i really don't have someone to keep me accountable with everything. it's not that i WANT to be independent, necessarily...it's just the way i have been my whole life. i grew up fighting for myself, and it's really the only way i know how. i also think God speaks to me through dreams...although not the one i had last night! (i dreamt i had to have surgery...and for some reason they had to break my leg. i woke up this morning thinking my leg was broken and that i couldn't walk...) my dreams are so real most of the time, and i do wake up honestly believing they happened a lot of the time. some days it's really hard to get me back into the "real" world. the thing is, i think sometimes God uses my dreams. i know there have been several times where i have dreamed something only for it to come true later. i don't think this is a dejavu, because in a dejavu you just feel like it has happened before...but i can usually tell you what will happen next because i swear i have dreamt it.

so often i wonder what God's plan for my life is...what His purpose is. how am i supposed to use my talents to bring Him glory? how do i even really know what my talents are? is prophecy still a gift? is it possible that i have dreams and visions sent from God? sometimes i think people think i am crazy. i told my mom the other day why i am afraid of the dark - that i sometimes see things that i shouldn't see...and i told her i think that i can sometimes see demons. it's not like i physically see them...it's hard to describe. sometimes i find my eyes open to the room around me, but i see something completely different. i sometimes wonder if my eyes are opened to the spiritual realm sometimes, or if i just imagine things. or maybe i am going crazy. i wonder if something is wrong with me.

one thing i do know is that God is teaching me a lot, and things are changing. and i still don't understand myself at all.